ever been on an emotional roller coaster?  i am not a big fan.  regular roller coasters are far more fun and exciting.

there have been so many things to learn and re-learn over the past months.  i need to be less passive about things. stand my ground because my ground has a good foundation and i shouldn't be swayed so easily.  i used to be fairly good at that.  somehow i let it go a little.  i need to guard my heart better.  i need to follow through with what i say.  i need to love but not let that love lead me to say yes when i need to say no.

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i still haven't decided what to do with the books.

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and i think i'm learning that sometimes separating means not only physical but in communication as well.  words can be so hurtful and they can't be taken away.  that's the one problem with talking.  you can't control words coming from anyone else.  and those words can either lift your spirits or drag you through the mud.  you can control your own words.  sometimes it's hard.  it's so easy to want to say something to hurt back at someone who has hurt you.  by taking control over my own words, i can leave a conversation knowing that i didn't cause any of the pain.  knowing that i chose to care.  i can also choose not to talk to someone when all they do is hurt.  that's guarding my heart.  until the other person decides not to hurt, or to condemn, or to accuse, i do not have to subject myself to it.  that's my choice.  it's taken me a while to come to that conclusion.  if the other person cares they should respect that.  if they don't, well, they can get angry and more hurtful all they want to.  i don't have to listen to it.

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emma tested me to the limit this weekend.  she's been sick, so i know most of it was just because she hasn't been feeling well.  the doctor says it's most likely a sinus infection as every other test came back negative.  he told me that usually in little kids if they're still sick by the 10th day then that's usually the cause.  so she is now on antibiotics.  i'm really hoping it starts to clear it up.  she's been sick too long.  wednesday of last week she came home from school with a fever.  she had the fever until friday.  friday and saturday she felt a little warm, but temp-wise she was fine.  but she's been coughing and runny nose for so long.  so i think the doctor is right.  sinus infection.  it's gone through the family too.

last night i think i reached the end of my patience.  she whines and cries whenever she wants something or needs something.  but only with me.  with her aunt, her grandma, her teachers, or anyone else she acts like she's supposed to - a big girl.  but with me she thinks she has to act like a baby.  argh.  it's so frustrating.  i know a lot of the reasons behind it all... but what i'm not always sure on is the right way to stop the behavior to change it.

she got her warning last night.  she threw a huge temper tantrum so i told her that i wasn't allowing her to treat me that way any longer.  from now on if she wants something she must ask politely.  if she whines or cries, she will not get what she wants.
now the hard part for me.... follow through.
i need to remember my words so that i can follow through with them so that she will learn that when mommy says something, she means it.  it's going to be a hard process for both of us, however we need to go through it.

...and if i can just keep my sanity a little longer.... LOL

ever been to the doctor's hoping that what you don't want to see you won't?
i had one of those mornings.
unfortunately i had to make a sickcall (yes, i use the military term, i'm still not sure what civilians really call that... lol) appointment for myself this morning.  UTI.  bleck.  i feel like i've drowned in cranberry juice.  i've had flashbacks from korea all day.

when i was in korea i had my first ever UTI.  a very painful experience like no other.  i had no clue what was going on, i just knew i was not doing well.  my boyfriend at the time was very good to me.  took good care of me & made me drink a ton of cranberry juice.  i hated it.  strangely enough, i grew to like it.  but not in huge quantities.

anyways...
so this morning i walk in knowing that they will most likely weigh me.  i've lost way too much weight.  i know it.  my clothes sag off me.  i eat.  i do!  i don't TRY to starve myself.  i have a nervous stomach, so if i'm anxious or nervous, i just can't eat.  i'd spend my time worrying between boughts of throwing up if i actually ate something when i felt that way.

obviously the past few years have been very stressful & have kept me a very anxious person.  i've been worried about it though.  i'm tall, so i shouldn't weigh 120 pounds.  i should weigh between 135 & 145 in my opinion.  i've always been around a size 10 or so.  i was comfortable in my skin that way.  now i can't sit on anything hard because it hurts my butt bones.  not healthy.  i'm basically down to a size 4-6.

i stepped onto the scale at the doctor's office....
129
yikes... i'm under 130.  not good.  it's depressed me all day.
so i'm on a mission.
i want at least 10 pounds back.  but my question is, how in the world am i supposed to do that while my situation hasn't improved much?  i'm still stressed.  i'm still anxious.  how do i keep my stomach not involved so that i can eat properly?

seriously, if you have a suggestion i'd love to hear it.

i think my first step is to give up coffee for a while.  i'm gonna be one miserable crank in the mornings!  LOL  or at least keep it down to one small mug very early.


i debated sharing all this.  most everyone i know wants to lose weight.

just one more thing that really makes me want someone to lean on.  just for a little while.  i'm so tired of doing all this by myself.  i have a great support behind me.  i know that.  but it's different when you have that special someone just for you to be there to lean on when you need to.
i miss that.
in more ways than one.