twould be so easy
so onward i trudge
brick by boring brick
til there's no air left to find

Funny how life throws curve balls.

Funny how you can cry when you laugh and laugh when you want to cry.

Funny... isn't funny anymore. It hasn't been for a long time, but just in case you didn't get the message, here it is.


I want to be the friend that endures. The friend always there. The friend who sits next to you & holds your hand or lends a shoulder or jumps up & down with excitement for you. It just so happens that in order for that friend to be there, they kinda need to know how they need to be there. Otherwise, they're just the person you know who probably understands but only stands near enough to let you know they're still there.

Waiting.

So... to all my friends:

Yes, I am going through a divorce. It's not a friendly one either. There will be many days I feel like staying in my bed pretending I am alive. There will be intermittent days that I am so busy I don't know which end is up, but I am okay with that & will laugh at that because I'm at least out of bed. There will be days when I just want to throttle someone and yell & scream until I'm either hoarse, or their ears go numb. There are days my heart ACHES for my little girl because I know she is being dragged into this and it's not fair. This divorce will more than likely take years. Am I okay with that? No. Do I have a choice? No. I cannot be married to a man who treats me as a rug and feels he can swing me around at his whim neverminding that in doing so I am broken and splintered and made to feel less than worthless. AND who can do the same to a little girl he professes his undying love for. It's got to be done. If it were my way, short & to the point. However, it's not. So everything I do is questioned and contested and put under scrutiny.

Yes, I am depressed. One of the worst times I have felt like this. I'm amazed I remember my name & how to put on shoes. Actually, wait... funny thing is, I never untie my shoes so I don't have to remember. I just stick my feet into whatever works. I live day to day with anxiety and day to day with talking myself out of attacks of panic, anxiety. I feel good if I only accomplish getting a shower. If I need something from the store, yes I will eventually remember that I have to go there with a list and make the usual 'rounds' through the store to feel confident enough that I might have gotten the basic important items that I needed off the list. Usually, I have to go back the next day for that item forgotten. Sometimes, it's a good day if I can make it through the day without Emma. Other times, my day doesn't start until Emma is out of school.

Yes, I am overwhelmed and stressed. There's a mess divorce with a mess of a man creating depression while the stress of having yet another surgical procedure done on my precious Emma. Nothing too serious, however, she's still got to be under anesthesia for a time. Never had to do it? Count yourself lucky. We've gone through this at least 6 times already. And I'm sure there will be other times in the future. This won't be the last. There are doctor visits I have to keep straight, information to keep straight, information to learn and to give out, all the while thinking it's a miracle I know my own name. Not to mention all the bills that come from the doctor visits & procedures that I have to try to keep straight & paid.

It may look like I don't do much. No 9-5 job to be at. Housework is definitely done less than desired. Rooms are a mess. Meals are done on the hurry. Phone calls are forgotten. Emails are forgotten. Bills aren't paid on time.

And yet... funny enough... Emma is happier. She's gaining weight. She's growing her feet to be like her mommies. She has picked up reading so amazingly fast...I'm forever impressed with her skills. She's one of the better readers in her class. She only has the bad temper tantrums every now & then instead of every other day. She has great friends to help her and who love to look out for her and just be her friend. She is also surrounded by people that love her and who also show her how love is supposed to work. She is the anchor to my mind, just as God is the anchor to my soul.

Funny...
...without either, I would most definitely have completely lost myself.


Isn't it funny how one bad thing can still lead to many more good things.

So, friends... that is just the bare bones of my life at the moment. I am here waiting. As always. And I always will be here for my friends, whenever they feel ready to let me share the details of their life and not just the bare bones of it. Regardless of what kind a friend I may be to you... know this: You are loved! (here's the funny...) even if it is by a girl who is barely treading water. YOU are loved. By at least 2.

<3